... in a handbasket (inahandbasket) wrote,
... in a handbasket

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So I officially gradumanated yesterday. walked across yon stage and got my piece of paper that i earned back in august '02.
It was utterly anticlimactic.
Had a lunch thing with living grandparents, other relatives, and the girl's family at a restaurant. WAY too much food, we had 5 grocery bags full of food when we left the restaurant. yummy yummy, but jesus. too much food for my family is saying something.

I got cards with checks from most people there, just little gifts to wish me well, you know.
my parents gave me a disturbing sum of money.
Now we're not rich, but we've never been truly pinched for money. We've always gotten by. maybe eaten more rice and beans than steak at some points, but have never been in trouble of losing the house or anything. at the same time, we only bought one car in my life that was more than $3000, and always shopped in the sale section of stores. lower middle class.
so to get a check like that from my parents was shocking, I looked at my mom worriedly for explanation.
The money was the leftovers from a college fund that my late grandmother set up for my sister and i when we were born, mom wrote us each a check for half of it. It was her mother, who she was really close to. we lived across the road from them my whole life. it was an emotional moment for both of us.

I miss my grandmother.
she was a strong influence on my life in more ways than I really know, every once in a while I'll remember some other way that she silently nudged me along to become who I am today. She died of cancer, and I never really got to say goodbye because she didn't want us to come the the hospital, she wanted us to remember her as she'd been in life. I was the only person who honored that wish of hers, because I knew why she felt that way and I think I understood better than the rest of my family that she truly meant it. Regardless, it's still eating me up that I didn't get to say goodbye.
this was kind of the last goodbye I got from her.
(won't cry at the office, won't!)
I need to go visit her grave soon.

so the checks from graduation, combined with my most recent paycheck that i haven't deposited yet, will get me completely out of debt.
That's still leaving me in shock. I've been in debt for 4 years now, and all of a sudden it's being lifted off my shoulders by my grandmother from beyond the grave.

I need to stop now so that I don't cry.
I miss her.

if you're out there mom-mom, thanks.
I love you.
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